Chickens in the Basement

I love to write and I love to laugh. When I write, I get to the point quick. My stories would fit on the back of a postcard. They usually make me chuckle. And you know what they say, "It's all about me!"

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Talking Dirty!

Warning: This article is going to contain personal information you may not want to know about our family. If you are about to eat dinner, easily grossed out, or not into bathroom humor, skip this article!

When I was a little girl (we are talking the 70's), we lived in 5 different old houses. We did lots of remodeling, but never had to repair a toilet. There was never a plumbing issue. We owned a small plunger that came out from under the cabinet about once a year, usually after a small child used a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe his behind. After about three pushes on the plunger, the toilet paper went on down the pipe and the dry rotted plunger turned itself inside out, requiring you to be creative to get it to fix itself without having to touch it with your hand!

Fast forward to 1999.

When we were building our house, we visited one of the local stores that sells bathroom fixtures. We weren't sure what toilet options we had. The lady that was helping us asked if we wanted a deep bowl. She went on to explain that some men come in with measurements because their junk touches the water when they sit on shallower toilets. My husband made that decision real quick...we wanted a deep toilet bowl. I was fascinated by that insight.

Unfortunately, that was the most interesting thing I heard. From there, she went on with details that sounded like "blah, blah, water conservation, blah, blah, new laws, blah, blah..." Now, I wish I had paid better attention.

Fast forward again to 2009.

We have been in our house for 10 years. Four of us live here. We have a well and septic tank.

Now for the personal details. No one in my family is a "dainty dumper." Remember the jokes about the ant on a log in the pond and it starts to rain on him? Our logs fill the pond!

Every time someone spends more than three minutes in the bathroom, we know the plunger will be needed. No more cheap plungers shoved under the sink for us. The plunger is white and has it's own house. Since young boys are not the neatest when it comes to plunging, the job often falls to me. Do they tell me they need help in this area? NOOOOO! They leave it for me to stumble upon. Usually, I am running for the bathroom with my buttons and zippers already undone and my bladder overflowing. Time to plunge has not been allocated! I have to by-pass the closest potty, trying not to trip over my pants, to the back bathroom to relieve myself of a couple of diet cokes before returning to the front bathroom to plunge the heck out of it!

Today, our plunger is used at least 5 times a week. We leave the plunger beside the toilet in the half bathroom. The last thing I want is for a visitor to take a dump and not be able to make it go away. I would be mortified at someone else's house if I had to ask for a plunger to make my business go away!

Even the pottys in public places suck (not litterally). The automatic flush toilet requires 3 or 4 additional pushes of the button just to make toilet paper go down the drain. It's one thing to pee twice on top of your own liquids, but peeing on top of somebody else's stuff with the possibility of back-splash is just too gross!

How are todays toilets better than the toilets I had as a kid? I know I am not conserving water because I have to flush at least 3 times, whether or not I plunge. The lingering surprises in the potty are not sanitary! I just want to mash the button and watch the logs disappear. I want govenment to keep their laws out of my bathroom! I want my old toilet from the 70's that guzzles water back. Wonder if I can get an old one from Habitat? Hmmm.

If I have grossed you out, I refuse to apologize. You were warned.


Jenny S said...

Hahaha! I am right there with you! Have to ask Jason about hitting the water though!!!

Em said...

LOL!!!! Love this post - this is what blogging is all about - just put it out there... people can chose to read it or not! Haaaa haa haaaaa!!!!